How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
Its not christmas eve unless I give him head. I wont take no for an answer
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
RIGHT?!?! I'M ACTUALLY UPSET I DON'T GET TO MAKE THE 2.3 MILE TREK TO SUCK HIS COCK, yes I google earthed it.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
I just remembered I casually gave you a tour of the house after we boned...lol
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