RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
Actually, all he talks about is how great the sex is with her and how crappy you were at it. Stop being a bitch and gossiping masking it as self-righteousness.
I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
I cant shower it involves moving...
Just lay there and turn the water on. At least rinse off the shame.
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
