I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
So much rum. So many feels.
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
Randomize
