Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories
I don't see you I see the memories. All the time
im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
they sound like some classy girls.
Hey, I don't give them daddy issues, I just take advantage of it. The real bad guy here is American parenting.
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
After the "sex" was over I dressed as quickly as possible. And then he came over to me stark naked and embraced me. For over a minute. And all I could think was please get your penis off my dress.
Randomize