I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
he said he was going to fuck me like a rabbit in heat. What he should have said was faster then a train and over before a commercial
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
the teacher told me he was disappointed and when I asked why he just shook his head. remember that kid that caught us having sex behind the school? pretty sure that was his son.
He had a tattoo of a crown above his penis. He was AMAZING! It was well deserved. LONG LIVE THE KING!
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