sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
is he apposed to sex in general? or just porch sex?
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
No, the real question is if you drink like I drink why WOULDN'T you wear a cape.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
Randomize
