im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
after a month anything with tits is on the radar
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
so i just calculated it and i would need to score 150% on this final to pass
I don't even want to think what you did to boys being that drunk and horny.
Then I wouldn't suggest looking at the pictures from last night.
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
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