My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
I just haven't been myself lately. I slept with a guy 21 years older than me and I've been wearing my hair in a center part.
Ok spinning in the opposite direction thatg the room was spinning was the worst advice ever
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
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