I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
I deserve to be covered in dicks
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
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