I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
I was ready to fuck him until he pulled the "I might be bi curious" card. Now its turned into a guilt fuck. It's like he's a 3rd world child in need of a sexual orientation.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
I don't have any plans for New Year's except watching anime and drinking until I can't read the subtitles anymore.
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
