girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
so today in my theology class we brought up the proper way to have sex. so rough sex was said by the teacher...I said I know a girl that likes to be choked. sorry but everyone knew it was you
You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
shes a 6ft ginger. she brings nothing to the table except for awkwardness
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
look in the field by the highway and see if there is a high heel there. Or some Taco Bell bags.
eating on the run again ?
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
Randomize
