They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
As shirtless as possible
Btw. Being a stripper for a week without anyone knowing to pay off my school loan is no longer in my agenda.
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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