You're completely useless in the revolution.
Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
I'll hook up with guys I don't even like, as long as they leave early enough the next day.
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
He was banging holes in the kitchen wall with pots. They tried to pull him away but only managed to pants him. He kept "drumming".
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
Life without a bra equals bliss.
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
Randomize
