omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
So let me get this straight. You would sleep with an uncircumcised guy whose name you didn't know, but you won't try the new shrimp taco from taco bell?
i want to swaddle you in tequila
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
That's the fall semester you first snorted drugs off my ass I think
That's how pantless uber rides happen
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
Randomize
