I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
you guys have a strange definition of the word fun. I would have said dangerous, terrifying, or life-threatening. of course, bowling can now be described the same way.
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
Randomize
