I want to come over to your house, give you money for liquor, fuck you, and then kick it untill I have to go home. Was that blatent enough for you?
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
Well, I guess you are not meant to have this fucking picture of an adorable baby duck.
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
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