She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
Still at the library. i hate tax accounting so much that i've started calling it potions...
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
Everybody at Lexi's party found out I'm both a screamer and a moaner after he ate me out on the pool table downstairs. Just another sunday night in Alaska
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