Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
And dont forget my 23rd birthday where with no underwear i crawled through the cage of the police car. Dont get drunk be fore you get drunk.
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
SKIIIIIIIIIIII, trip mo foes! Let-ith the epic- ness begin ith. Heroes go forth, nAy Sayers fuckin die. This is for the good of mankind! See you on the morrow
Apologies to the number who did not expect to get this but certainly be jealous of us.
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
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