first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
he was going down on me when he saw the warts...nevertheless he told me he had to pick his sister up from school. why does this keep happening to me???
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
It was so weird. I had like an out of body experience. I heard the moaning, but I didn't know it was me.
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
Seriously though a big penis is like a puppy dog, or a sunny day or some other glorious thing
You are such a penis elitist
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
I can't trust your balls anymore.
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
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