Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
She may be a slut, but at least she's a dedicated slut. She's always super tan and has her shit shaved in really cool designs.
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
You were all "think outside the box, inside the bag!" as you filled your camelback with beer.
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
My feelings for him are donzo molonzo but I can't turn down a pierced penis...
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
Being forward is somethimes a problems. Like in sexual deity Kong.
I think you’re losing coherence.
I am
Basically we had a threesome in one room and a fivesome in the next room. Its what I like to call a win win situation.
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
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