I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
You were air-planing a joint into my mouth while I was crying naked in the bath tub.
Best Friends For Life.
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
Holy. shit. Chris has no pants on. In public. Fuck. Need you.
Randomize
