So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
I managed to break 3 nails and loose my stockings, but I made 87 dollars at the strip club. I asked where I could find an application on the way out.
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
Randomize
