I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
He grabbed onto my boobs while slipping on ice then proceeded to drag me down with him I'm not predicting head in his future
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
Basically as long as the fan is pointed at my vagina i can cool off enough to sleep.
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
You just had sex during the movie Radio. This is an all time low
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