it was all good till he told me to dance slow and quiet
So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize