The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
I'm sorry..where i come from learning how to exploit a wealthy middle aged man is a right of passage
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
Yes..we had amazing sex that I have a 50 percent chance of remembering.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
Watching boy meets world, drinking left over pink panty droppers and coloring in a my little pony coloring book. This is my Monday night
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
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