college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
The guy got mobbed on, all hell broke loose. About 20 cops showed up, and this kid somehow convinced a cop that letting him pee in front of him is justifiable. This guy could sweet talk Hellen Keller, he was THAT good
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
We need to feng shui this bitch.
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