So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
She is currently drunk and caressing my professor's face with one hand.
I'm worried because he hasn't removed it.
Not only does DQ have s'mores shakes, sonic has a hot dog in a pretzel bun, and Wendy's has a burger in a pretzel bun. Important things are happening.
speaking of festive, i made out with a guy in a leaf pile last night. happy fall?
I want to die, ON THAT, with that INSIDE ME. ironically, I sense that would be the only time I'd feel alive.
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
Randomize
