i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
how ive managed to spend 100$ at an open bar is beyond me.
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
Randomize
