You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
of all the people in our graduating class, this is exactly who would get pregnant.
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
Randomize
