You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
apparently when i got back to tyler's i layed face down on the bed and yelled "don't hurt my asshole!"
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
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