Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Randomize
