Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
I'm so horny
I have no idea who this is, but I'm up for a lecture on self-respect
it was a frathouse cornucopia of foul mixed drinks and "sangria", which im convinced was blood and pcp
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
the girl next to me was drawing sonic the hedgehog on her exam what the fuck
godspeed
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
Randomize
