i would punch a child for taco bell
And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
Randomize
