Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
At one point, he came in to give her a pep talk, and then after he left, she just kept whispering his name into the toilet between heaves.
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
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