Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
I feel I must have sex with him first to fully decide where my vagina belongs.
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
Randomize
