I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
dude, you were feeling up her boob for 20 minutes in front of the guy she was hitting on because you and her had an argument over who had bigger boobs.
hey man, it was for science okay.
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
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