you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
He's a collector of sorts
Any cool stuff?
You should see the collection of booggers in the carpet next to his desk
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
Also barcrawl friday. You ARE wearing a tiara
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
Randomize
