they need to just BURY HIM!
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
I found out his moms name, maiden name, profession, and office location, his dads name and profession, his home phone, picture of their house, all of his work profiles, and the cost of their house. All I'm trying to do is find his damn twitter
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
He passed out while I was riding him but stayed hard long enough for me to orgasm. He definitely earned the blow job I’m going to wake him up with in the morning!
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