we'll penetrate his innocence with our dicks
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
It's never too late to be topless.
sleazy september. first one with mono loses.
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
You're a disaster
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