awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
she takes plan B like it's going out of style
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
shes a 6ft ginger. she brings nothing to the table except for awkwardness
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
Randomize
