My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
Please stop trying to convince people that you're retarded and I suck your dick in the same conversation.
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
Yeah just got a blowjob at busch stadium during the cardinals game childhood dream realized
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
He said that he made a girl squirt to the ceiling and I got curious
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
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