i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
Idk we were snorting lines and making out in the stall while these people were cheering us on, on the other side. And that's when I realized he wasn't the only guy in the girls bathroom.
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
Well tech shes born nov 12, but since her head was out on the 11th, she claims both days as her birthday
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
Randomize
