guy in front of me on the bus did 12 yrs, hes teling me about how to knife fight
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
I'm home alone for the next hour and a half, I expect soup and and a willing attitude to do drugs from one of or both of you girls.....annnnnd go
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
I need five more minutes of sobbing.. AND THEN I will get back to studying
this periodpocalypse needs to be over. I need head
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
