marko just referred to some fat asian and a portly friend as Jupiter and one of its moons. unreal. hyte!
My cat gives me a boner
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
I should have but it might be too early in this fuckbuddyship to emasculate him
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
Dude she's famous. She's on an episode of campus pd. Can't not fuck her
well, at the moment I'm sleeping in someone's closet in a buzzlightyear snuggie, so I can't judge,
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
Hahahaha .. If it makes you feel better I had a sex dream about a cheeseburger last night so I feel like we both lose.
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Randomize
