Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
PS: the photo I uploaded for this internship site is the same one i used for my fake ID. I like to keep it classy.
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
All I know is I got on a table at late night and sang gotta go my own way
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
