Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
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