so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
I even resorted to pole dancing with the street sign. I have an extra $20 now because I think people were paying me to leave.
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
Is it too soon for me to wonder what sex with him would be like?
Dick very happy bro
sorry for any reference made toward your boobs or making you feel pregnant or incapable of peeing. make it a wonderful day.
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
the raccoons are back...
Randomize
