Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
The foreigner finally woke up and the first thing he did was look up a map of the u.s. His destination is to pennsylvania.
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
i need to un-sleep with a few of those brothers before we ever go back to that house again. i'm serious. i will not be a fraternity groupie.
The ONLY place I sext is in my anatomy class. It's an amped up level of playing doctor.
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
don't worry, i'll dog sit again, the barking made the sex better, its like he was cheering for us, we were just THAT good.
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
Randomize
