i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
haha i think we're both just down to be fuck buddies..but i do have a hickey and a bit of a big lip and fucking burns on my knees..note to self hooking up on a golf course is NOT that exciting
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
Randomize
