Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
He passed out while I was riding him but stayed hard long enough for me to orgasm. He definitely earned the blow job I’m going to wake him up with in the morning!
Randomize
