the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
she's a drunken disney princess. so basically me if i had a crown and no desire for independence.
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
Randomize
