seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
Acid is not a monday night drug
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
Yeah probably not. I have a hair appt, a gun class, and hopefully a boy to fuck. I'm booked.
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
Randomize
