Wow, you were right... Weed does start conversations
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
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