Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
She has an album entitled "my photography", which consists of about 80 different pictures of a tractor that she took on her cell phone. I'm all for freedom of expression, but come on.
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
you were leaning up against the wall pulling your shirt up asking girls to dance on you. your courage to do that is both admirable and frightening.
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
this periodpocalypse needs to be over. I need head
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
Randomize
