Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
I need to calm my uterus...
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
Dicks are not precious.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
Randomize
