first missing my period. then crying at the clinic... but why?
we had sex 3 months ago. you missed your period 2 weeks ago. but nice try.
when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
I never thought that it would get to the point where I would have to specify that by "hang out" I meant "fuck like rabbits." Growing up shouldn't be this way.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
Lets just say my thoughts when getting dressed this morning was "vagina friendly" options
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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