Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
she was using a pencil to fish crushed adderall out of a plastic bag. it was like a college version of fun dip
just saw the guy i hooked up with last nights' face on a billboard. win.
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
We still on for Manwhore Monday?
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