if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
So I just did the walk of shame at dunkin... A lady told me me I was really dressed up and I told her I was going to a luncheon.
I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
Sorry about my life...
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
Good luck. While you're suffocating on a dick, I'll be eating pizza rolls. Being a good girl.
STOP SENDING ME NAKED PICTURES WHEN I'M TRYING TO TEACH. MONDAY TUESDAY 1-3 IS A DICK AND ARSE FREE ZONE
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
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