So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
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